When it comes to family dynamics, things grandparents should never do often stem from a place of pure love, warmth, and the overwhelming desire to spoil their grandchildren. Grandparents hold a uniquely special place in a child’s world, offering unconditional affection, cherished family history, and a comforting presence. However, child therapists point out that even the most well-meaning grandparents can sometimes cross subtle lines that inadvertently harm family boundaries, create confusion, or undermine parental authority. If you or your parents have engaged in these habits without realizing the impact, there is no need to panic. Understanding these boundaries is the essential first step toward building a healthier, more cooperative, and respectful dynamic for everyone involved—especially the children.
This story was first reported by HuffPost. The therapists quoted there include Jillian Amodio, Caitlin Severin and Dr. Alexandra Foglia. Their views are professional opinions, not research findings.
The Hidden Impact of Innocent Habits
Grandparents naturally love to shower children with affection, special treats, and a slightly more relaxed set of rules compared to their parents. Yet, the therapists say certain common behaviors, often perceived as harmless, can subtly undermine parental authority and confuse children regarding consistency and safety. Recognizing the specific things grandparents should never do helps bridge the gap between generations, ensuring that the grandparent’s role of “spoiling” kids never evolves into actively undermining the parents’ structure and values.
Encouraging Kids to Keep Secrets
One of the top habits child therapists wish grandparents would stop immediately is asking or encouraging kids to keep innocent “secrets” from their mom and dad. Whether it is sneaking an extra piece of candy before dinner, allowing them to watch a show the parents disapprove of, or staying up past their established bedtime, the therapists say asking a child to keep a secret can create an uncomfortable and often stressful burden for a young mind.
The therapists say children thrive on clarity, predictability, and trust within their family unit. When an adult they deeply love and respect asks them to hide information or deceive their primary caregivers, it can blur essential safety and communication boundaries. Instead of encouraging secrecy, grandparents can model open communication and respect by acknowledging and adhering to the rules the parents have set, reinforcing the parental team.
Undermining Parental Authority in Front of Kids
Another entry on the list of things grandparents should never do involves openly questioning, dismissing, or contradicting parental rules, discipline, or decisions in front of the grandchildren. Grandparents might make comments like, “I don’t know why your parents are so strict about that,” or “Don’t worry, you can have it anyway,” when a parent has already said no. The therapists say this signals to the child that the parents’ authority is not absolute or worthy of respect.
This undermining behavior can show up in small ways, such as consistently offering a food the parent has restricted, allowing access to a toy the parent has put away, or ignoring a timeout or consequence the parent has enforced. It can put children in the difficult position of choosing whose authority to follow.
How to Handle Rule-Bending Positively
It is completely natural and healthy for grandparents to want to loosen the reins a bit during visits and create special, memorable moments that differ from daily routines. However, reframing treats, exceptions, and rule-bending carefully can help avoid conflict. Instead of invalidating mom or dad in the moment, a supportive grandparent can validate the parent’s rule while explaining the exception gracefully.
For instance, a grandparent could say something like, “I know at home your parents have a rule about no dessert before dinner, but because it’s a special occasion and Mom/Dad said it was okay just for tonight, we can enjoy this treat together.” This approach maintains parental respect, keeps communication channels open, and clearly defines the exception, preserving consistency and showing that the adults are united.
Crossing Boundaries With Unsolicited Advice
The therapists in the HuffPost report also named forced hugs, comments about a child’s body or weight, and speaking for the child as habits to avoid. Unsolicited advice was not on their list, but it is a common source of family friction: constantly criticizing, second-guessing, or overriding modern parenting styles (for example, around sleep training, diet, screen time, or discipline) can strain relationships. Parenting advice has changed over the years, and what worked 30 years ago may not be the recommended approach today.
Healthy boundaries can benefit the whole household by fostering mutual respect and reducing conflict. Grandparents who respect these boundaries, share opinions when asked, and support the parents’ decisions even when they differ from their own preferences, reinforce the family unit.
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